You’ve shopped, you’ve wrapped…you’ve even decorated. You should be able to relax and enjoy the season now, right? Wrong. You’ve got to:
#6. Bake cookies. I really want to know what sadistic jerk decided that not only do we need gifts and decorations to make our holiday complete, we need cookies as well. And no, we can’t just buy Holiday Oreos or Chips Ahoy. Oh no—they need to be homemade. You can’t just make one type of cookie, either. What fun is that? There’s an unwritten rule that you must to make a variety of cookies or you are just not getting the Christmas spirit.
Sure, it sounds like a great idea. Who doesn’t like cookies? And of course, it’s a fun family activity—you can make a day of it and bake with your kids, creating memories that will last a lifetime. It’s really so easy to do. In fact, I’ve included instructions on how to bake Christmas cookies in 50 easy steps:
- Go on Pinterest. Find twenty-seven dozen cookie recipes cookies that look ah-mazing. Pin all of them.
- Buy three pounds of sugar, six dozen eggs, and five pounds of flour. Don’t forget butter, brown sugar, and peanut butter. Oh, and sprinkles, icing, Hershey kisses, chocolate chips, red colored sugar, green colored sugar, red hots, and wine. (The wine isn’t for the cookies…it’s for the baking.)
- Wake up super early on a Sunday morning so you can be done baking before noon/
- Turn on Christmas music and preheat oven.
- Gather the children and give them instructions to “help”. Instructions vary from how to crack eggs without getting the shell in the batter to how to measure sugar without eating it.
- Decide to double first batch of cookies since everyone loves chocolate chip cookies. It’s okay that they’re not really Christmas-y. You’ll make Christmas-y cookies later.
- Forget to soften butter ahead of time. Try to soften butter in the microwave. End up with half a frozen stick of butter and half bubbling, melted butter.
- Add sugar to butter.
- Add flour, baking soda, etc. etc, etc.
- Realize you added baking powder instead of baking soda. Assume they’re the same thing and move on.
- Forget that you only doubled the first half of the recipe and wonder why the batter is lumpy.
- Figure out why—you didn’t double the flour.
- Add more flour.
- Forget that you needed more baking
- Pour wine. It’s almost
noon. Oh, wait, it’s only 10 am. Put wine aside for now and add Bailey’s to your coffee.
- Kick kids out of the kitchen because they’re distracting you and you’r making mistakes.
- Throw cookies out and start over again.
- Quickly whip up batch without mistakes.
- Call kids back in and let them lick the beaters.
- Drop cookies onto cookie sheet and place in (very) pre-heated oven.
- Ask kids to help you clean up the dishes from that batch and realize they have disappeared.
- Oven dings to signal cookies are ready. Children reappear.
- Slap the children’s hands ad tell them they have to wait.
- Try to transfer cookies from backing sheet onto cooling rack—half the cookies fall apart. The other half have the consistency of tiny frisbees.
- Children eat all 12 cookies from first batch before you can put the next batch on the cookie sheet. Shrug it off—they were just the “test batch” anyway. Make four more dozen cookies. Salvage 10 of them.
- Start on next type of cookie.
- Discover that you don’t have enough brown sugar. Use extra white sugar to make up the difference.
- Realize it’s lunch time and the kids are hungry. Let them eat the rest of the cookies made thus far.
- Eat raw cookie dough because you’re hungry.
- Pour wine.
- Put next batch on cookie sheet.
- Try to clean up the flour that is covering the entire kitchen while you wait for cookies to bake.
- Drink more wine.
- Take cookies out. Poke cookies and find that the middles aren’t done. Wonder if your oven is broken.
- Put cookies back in the oven.
- Set off smoke detector.
- Remove burnt cookies from oven and toss into trash.
- Have another glass of wine.
- Decide you are going to make the sugar cookies and then you are abandoning this project because it has become an epic fail.
- Make sugar cookie dough.
- Kids ask to lick the beaters and declare the cookies “gross”.
- Make sugar cookies in the shape of Santa anyway.
- Time for more wine.
- Try to decorate the misshapen cookies when they come out of the oven.
- Get icing and colored sugar everywhere except for on the cookies.
- Realize your Santa cookies look like Santa is part of a Picasso painting.
- Look at clock and discover it is now dinner time and you’ve been baking for ten hours and have nothing to show for it.
- Pour another glass of wine and cry about your failure to be a domestic goddess.
- Have husband drive you to store because you are now drunk.
- Buy Holiday Oreos.
*So you don’t feel so bad, here is a picture of one of my greatest cookie fails:
What they were SUPPOSED to look like. What they ACTUALLY looked like.