12 Ways to Lose Your Mind This Christmas—Way #2

Are you stressed yet? No? Okay, well then let’s continue on our 12 Ways to Lose Your Mind (this Christmas Season)

#2. Buy gifts. And not just for your kids and your spouse and your parents. You need to buy gifts for your kids’ teachers, Aunt Louise in Tennessee, your secret Santa at work, the woman in the mailroom who knitted you a blanket when your kids were born, and the guy who cleans your dog’s poop out of your backyard (he actually deserves two gifts). You will dread going in a 10 mile radius of a mall and dealing with parking, so you’ll order everything online, stressing because you’re not sure if you have enough time to get this stuff before Christmas. You’ll frantically try to shove as much stuff in your “shopping cart” to take advantage of Amazon’s free shipping. Inevitably, you’ll discover that one of those items doesn’t qualify for free shipping because it comes from a third party vendor and that’ll throw the whole thing off. You’ll get frustrated, close down the computer and to rethink your strategy overnight. Then, you’ll forget about it—because life—and three days later you’ll get a reminder from Amazon that you have items in your chart. That’s when you’ll really panic because now you have to pay for Express shipping because now you definitely won’t get your items in time even though it’s only December 1st, but apparently things need more time to ship now than they did in the time of horse and buggy. Probably because everyone on the planet has Amazon Prime except for you and they’re all shipping their crap at lightning speed…but you’ll be damned if you pay $100 a year to ship things faster when you only need it at Christmas time because you don’t avoid the stores like the plague from January to November October. Of course even though you ordered everything at the same time, all of your items will come in fifty-two different shipments. You will get at least one email a day saying your items have been delivered and inevitably, there will be at least two of those packages gone missing—either delivered to the neighbor’s house or not delivered at all. You will spend ninety hours on the phone with customer service cursing the day you discovered the 1-click button and wishing you had just braved the stupid mall because you would actually have your gifts in your hand right now. Then you’ll discover that your cousin’s best friend’s ballet teacher that you bought a gift for actually has an ONLINE WISH LIST and the gift you bought is NOT ON IT. Yes…people can make wish lists online now. It’s like “registering” for gifts…to make gift giving easier. WHY DO WE NEED THIS??? Oh wait…it’s because we’re giving gifts to people that we don’t really know at all. We used to limit our gifts to people we were in contact with on a regular basis, but now, that’s not good enough. Now you not only need to give gifts to everyone you come in contact with all year, you need to give to people you don’t even know as well. That’s what “Giving Tuesday” is all about. A new day to donate to a whole bunch of charities. I’m all for giving to charities, really, I am. But do I need it shoved in my face on Facebook that you gave to Junior Pig Farmers of America and Save the 8-Track Foundation on Giving Tuesday? Give and be quiet about it. Okay, off my soapbox…I need to go get a gift for the UPS guy who may need back surgery after bringing all these boxes to my house. I wonder if he likes Tequila?

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