Yesterday we had a blizzard here in good old New Jersey, and while many of my (insane) friends were ecstatic about the two feet of snow we were getting dumped on us, I was in misery as usual. Not to mention the fact we weren’t even getting a day off of school for it because it was a weekend…let me tell you…I’m thrilled about losing my precious Saturday to snow. NOT. For all those of you who LOVE snow days, you must not have children. If you do have children, then you must have a spouse at home to help you not kill those children when you’re snowed in. STOP WISHING FOR SNOW DAYS!!! There are a bunch of us moms out there who for whatever reason do not have a second adult at home when we’re trapped in the house. Some moms are divorced. Some are widowed. Some of us have spouses that need to work, like cops, firefighters, sanitation workers, doctors, etc. There is no “snow day” for them and therefore, no snow day for us. In eighteen years of marriage, my hubby has only been home with me ONCE during a snow storm. I’m flying solo and I’m the entertainment director, the chef, the laundry fairy, the snow clearer, hostage negotiator, and the referee. Mind you, my kids are 10 and 14…it’s even worse when they’re younger. Still, it’s a pretty harrowing day either way.
If you still can’t understand how miserable that is, here’s a breakdown of my day:
7:28 am: The children who normally sleep until 10:30, 11:00 on a Saturday are up. They stare out the window in wide-eyed amazement at the snow coming down sideways. Fortunately, they are old enough to realize they don’t want to go outside when the snow is coming down sideways.
7:34am: One child decides to play video games. The second child starts screaming and trying to rip the video game controller out of her hands while yelling “I bought this controller! You can’t use this controller!” The other child retaliates by kicking first child in the head. First child screams about his history of head injuries and threatens to break the fingers of second child if she doesn’t let go of video game controller.
7:36am: I am in possession of video game controller while I negotiate the terms of video game usage for the day. It includes chores before game. I am laughed at. I threaten to fling controller out the window. It is white. The children apologize.
7:40am: The dog wants to go out. He does not want to go out the back door where, because of the drifts, there is minimal snow. He wants to go out the side door where he usually goes out and the drifts are almost two feet already. I try to patiently explain to the dog how we are going to change it up today because he’ll be cold if he has to climb over the piles of snow. He looks me in the eyes like he understands and then paws at the side door while whimpering.
7:41am: I pour Bailey’s in my coffee.
8:45am: Dog has made side door a shrine. He has whined for an hour straight.
8:47am: I let dog out the side door. Two feet of snow falls into the house. Dog does not like the snow and runs back into the house shaking snow everywhere. Smaller dog runs out and gets covered with snow. I run out in my slippers to retrieve smaller dog who is now traumatized. Larger dog is now back outside and poops near the door which I step in with my slippered feet.
8:49am: More Bailey’s.
9:00am: Make children a nice breakfast.
9:30am: After nice breakfast, the children have cereal and hot cocoa. Several bowls. Several mugs. They leave bowls and mugs everywhere. I explain the maid is stuck in snow and won’t be coming this weekend. First child states that we should fire the maid.
10:00am: We are out of milk. The horror. But thank God we’re not out of Bailey’s.
10:02: First child makes pasta.
10:22am: First child makes soup. We are now out of soup.
10:44am: First child says he is still hungry.
10:47am: Second child wants to make candy. I say no.
10:48am: Second child wants to dye her hair with Kool-aid. I am in the bathroom with symptoms of Listeriosis from the package salad I ate before I found out it was recalled. She ignores me when I say no.
11:05am: Clean up Kool-aid mess as second child drips grape Kool-aid all over the house. Dog laps up hungrily.
11:07am: I send them outside reluctantly to do the first round of shoveling. Run back to bathroom.
11:16am: I look out the window to find they have cleared a one foot section of the sidewalk. They are both tromping through the snow in the front yard.
11:17am: There is screaming and a thump on the front door. I run to the door and trip over the dog. Second child is standing there, gloves hanging off. She needs help putting gloves back on.
11:18am: First child is dripping snow all over the front foyer. He is wearing his sneakers. I ask why he isn’t wearing his boots. His face looks like a light bulb went off when I mention boots. Before I can protest, he is stomping through the house looking for boots.
11:21am: Second child is screaming again. She has to pee. Snow gear comes off. She pees, goes back outside. Take Imodium. Add Bailey’s to mug…there is no more coffee in there.
11:23am: Screaming. Glove is off again.
11:25am: First child is trying to salt walk without shoveling. Bang on the window and yell at him for wasting salt.
11:27am: Children are rolling around in the un-shoveled driveway. Still only one foot area is shoveled.
11:30am: Screaming. Children are trying to shove each other’s faces into the snow.
11:31am: More Bailey’s. I order them to either get to work or get inside. They opt for inside.
11:33am: They track salt inside. Dogs try to eat salt.
11:36am: With a towel I mop up the snow that is now all over the living room. I bring wet clothes downstairs to dry off.
11:37am: Children want hot chocolate. I inform them we are out of everything we need for hot chocolate. I tell them to have tea instead.
11:38am: Children are making coffee.
11:45am: Put dinner in crock pot. Children announce they are not eating THAT.
11:55am: Dog crying to go out side door. Ignore dog.
12:01pm: Children are asking for lunch.
12:04pm: Clean up dog pee.
12:26pm: Cleaning up the remains of lunch and doing my third batch of dishes for the day. Stare longingly at the book I wanted to read.
12:35pm: Second child wants to make cookies. Don’t have ingredients for cookies. Search Pintrest for what I can make with the ingredients we do have.
12:37am: Drag out Kitchen aid and all ingredients. Call second child to make Triple Chocolate Banana Bread. Second child declines.
1:19pm: Bread is done. Call children. They wrinkle up their noses and forage for snacks in the cabinet.
1:27pm: TV flickers briefly. Hold my breath and say a silent prayer we don’t lose power. Prayer is miraculously answered.
1:33pm: Children complain we are out of snacks. I give them the finger.
2:00pm: Ask children to try to shovel before it gets to be too much. Hubby needs to get into driveway when he comes home in six hours. I offer large sums of cash. Children decline and pretend to nap.
2:17pm: Trudge outside in snow pants, hoodie, hat, and several layers. Mutter to myself while pulling on boots that seem way too small.
2:18pm: As I am walking out the door, children suddenly want to come outside and shovel.
2:30pm: Children frolic happily in the snow while I shovel.
3:00pm: Still shoveling. Still frolicking.
3:02pm: I demand first child help me. He reluctantly begins shoveling driveway while flinging excess snow onto second child who screams loudly.
3:04pm: Second child has snow in hair and face and is trying to punch first child.
3:06pm: I order second child into the house. She stomps off. Dog runs out just as snow plow goes down street. I panic thinking dog will get hit. Dog is such a weenie he runs back inside. I breathe a sigh of relief.
3:33pm: Second child is banging on the window waving to us. She has a mug.. More coffee. Great.
4:05pm: Second child is back outside. More crying. Wet clothes. Frozen hands. And that’s just me.
4:30pm: Two hours of shoveling and we’ve cleared a total of twelve feet. Snow plow comes down the street and plows the driveway back in. I go in the house and admit defeat. Pour wine. It’s almost 5:00 anyway.
4:35pm: Dry clothes again.
4:55am: Coax dogs into going outside. They crap in front of door and step in it in their haste to come back in. Clean up dog poop tracks on the floor.
5:00pm: Cannot uncurl my hands. It feels like I have arthritis. Run my hands under warm water till it runs out.
5:20pm: Try to take a nap. Children wake me to ask when dinner is. I tell they to go away. They start fighting over video game controller again. Throw video game controller on floor and stomp on it.
6:00pm: Give children crock pot dinner. They whine and complain and make faces. I make them take a bite. They agree it’s delicious. I try not to punch them in the face.
6:30pm: Fourth batch of dishes.
6:35pm: Discover second child left a chap stick in her coat pocket and it’s now all over my coat.
7:00pm: Drag first child back outside. Six inches cover everything we’ve shoveled.
7:16pm: Second child comes out and stands on mound of snow next to driveway and knocks it back into the driveway. First child clotheslines her to the ground and shoves snow in her face for her stupidity.
7:20pm: Snow is flying everywhere and nobody is helping me shovel.
7:25pm: Children are eating snow and trying to slide down the front of my car.
7:30pm: I make everyone go back inside, screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. If there was anyone outside, I would be probably be arrested by a sanctimommy who has never yelled at her children.
7:40pm: It is peaceful alone outside. The snow is falling and there isn’t a sound on our block. For one split second, I am enjoying this snow day.
7:45pm: Hubby pulls into driveway and breaks spell. He asks me if I had a nice day off. I resist hitting him over the head with the shovel and burying him in the snow. They probably wouldn’t find him till spring.