#WhyIDrink Wednesday: Because I’m the Queen Damn It!

I think I deserve a tiara…and not just because I am a Queen. Really, I am! Check my Facebook page. My job is listed as “Queen of Everything”.   As we all know…..if it is on Facebook, it must be true.

The problem is that my subjects (children) don’t realize…or recognize…my sovereignty. They actually think that THEY rule this land. My (Soon-To-Be-Ex) Husband thinks that he is his own country…but that is another blog. Everyone else just finds me amusing. This makes ruling most difficult. I teeter between Queen Elizabeth II (poised & dignified) and the Queen of Hearts (Off with their heads!). Mostly I just drink. Coffee in the morning….wine when the coffee stops working.

As Queen, I have many different duties:

Head of State ~ As the Head of State, the Queen:

*Goes on official State visits: PTO, Teacher Conferences, Little League Parents Meetings, Recitals, Playdates, etc…

*Takes care of day-to-day activities: Prepare snacks and lunches, pay bills, find lost shoes and blankies, makes sure that the subjects are clean and fed, signs important documents such as teacher’s notes & homework, etc…

*Cares for the health & well being of her subjects: scheduling physician visits, keeping up with immunizations, etc…

Head of the Armed Forces ~ She is the only person who can declare war and decide when it is over. (“Stop fighting right now!! I mean it!!)

Head of the Church of England ~ Ok, this one may be stretching it…She is in charge of everyone getting to Church.

Government Duties ~

*Make, amend, & abolish laws (rules).

*Charge & sentence “criminals” for breaking said laws.

*Entertain parole hearings with foolish prisoners who try to represent themselves. (pleading to get out of time-out)

One would think that ruling a kingdom with only 2 subjects should be easy…..one couldn’t be more wrong.   Especially when said subjects are cunning and slick, constantly trying to make the Queen believe that she is losing her grip on reality. It’s true. I am catching onto their game.

For example: Just the other day my older daughter was caught eating potato chips for breakfast. (Now I am NOT a “crunchy” mom….but I DO have some limits!) While fighting with her about why potato chips for breakfast was not a great choice, my younger daughter sits down next to her and OPENS A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS! (Wait! What?) Then the older daughter tries to plead her case by stating that I allowed the younger one to eat cookies for breakfast. (We don’t even HAVE cookies!) This was about the time that Queen Elizabeth departed and Queen of Hearts appeared…..and this is why I drink.

Maybe I should just buy myself a tiara and wear it all the time. When I clean the toilet….and sing “Someday My Prince Will Come”.   When I fold the laundry….and sing “Once Upon A Dream”. When I cook dinner….and sing “Be Our Guest”. When I….I am getting carried away.   Pass the Pinot.

About the author: Brandi Macholl is the sovereign ruler of two princesses that keep her on her toes and constantly reaching for a glass of Pinot. She writes in her spare time…or when she can get at least two of her brain cells to communicate with each other.


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