These @%&*# Kids are Making Me Curse!

We all have flaws. Some of us are more flawed than others. Some of us don’t want to admit we’re flawed and some of us are more adept at hiding our flaws than others. As hard as we try, all mothers are flawed. I have a ton of flaws which makes this blog much more interesting. Imagine if I was the perfect mom? Who wants to read about that mom when we all want to peg her in the head with her moist made from scratch muffins?
One of my glaring flaws which makes me a REALLY bad mommy, is my potty mouth. I’m not talking about an occasional slip of the tongue with a God damn it or hell. I don’t just curse when I stub my toe or cut my finger. Nope. My foul language could make a seasoned truck driver blush. The curse words slip out of my mouth without a second thought. It comes as naturally to me as driving or reading. (Okay, maybe driving is a bad example because according to my husband, I’m really bad at that). I know, I know…who would have thought sweet little me had a potty mouth?
Why do I curse so much? I really have no idea. Sometimes it just slips out. Sometimes there’s just no other way to express a thought. And other times, words just really need an f#*@ in front of them. Plus, it’s more socially acceptable than punching someone in the head. I do know my potty mouth has gotten considerably worse after the birth of my children. Hmmmmm…..
When I was pregnant with my oldest, I swore up and down (pun intended) that I was going to curb my language and only say positive things. Was I a naïve moron or what? I tried to fine myself a quarter every time I cursed. But that just gave me a nice little savings account for shoes. I tried using different words, but then I just got addicted to the word “frigging” and quite honestly, it sounds stupid when I say it and just doesn’t pack the same punch. I tried to stop myself every time I said a curse word but I just sounded like I had developed a stutter and I seriously couldn’t finish a full sentence without scratching my head to think. So, I gave up.
Needless to say, the children have picked up the cursing habit. They can be really good at it, too. The expletives leave their mouth without a second thought and most of the time, they use it in the proper context. . Now this is the part where I turn into a REALLY bad mom… I LET THEM.
Now before you string me up and lynch me, let me explain. I TRIED to do the right thing in the beginning. The first time my son called the cat a bitch, I blanched.
“No, no,” I scolded. “That’s not a nice word. It’s mean to call kitty that word.” Never mind the fact kitty had just bit him for laying on her; she really was a bitch sometimes.
My confused and VERY precocious child responded with, “Well, why do you say it?”
I immediately shot back with the typical, “Well, I’m a grown up.”
My son countered with, “So you can say mean things when you’re a grown-up?”
Damn this kid had me trapped. “Well no,” I stammered. “You shouldn’t say mean things ever…”
“So then why do you say it?”
Crap.
“Just don’t say bad words,” I muttered as I changed his diaper.
I attempted to curtail the child’s occasional foray into cursing with soap in the mouth. Turns out, the little weirdo enjoyed the taste of soap in his mouth. I tried to make him put money in the jar for cursing, but he would just sneak the money out when I wasn’t looking. Finally, I sat myself down and asked myself, “Self, is it really that bad that the kid says the s word or the f word or the a word? Is that the MOST important thing for you to focus your parenting skills on? Maybe if you just explain to him that we don’t say those words in school or in public, it’ll be fine.” Being advanced for his age, my child accepted this and promised to try not to say bad words when we were out in public and to never use foul language in school or at friend’s houses. Seemed like a good plan.
Except, I should have explained to the child ALL the times we shouldn’t use bad words. When the boy was about 6, we were driving along in the car and some *$%^ moron cut me off. I, of course, proceeded to let the other driver know exactly how I felt about them (in the privacy of my own car ). My son then proceeded to unleash a stream of curse words. I was oblivious. In his defense, we weren’t actually in public. He was following the rules.
Unlucky for me, my mother in law was in the car. I don’t think my mother in law has ever uttered a profane word in her entire lifetime. At least, I’ve never heard one come out of her mouth. She’s one of those people who thinks “stupid” is a bad word. Which is, quite frankly, stupid. Don’t get me wrong…I love her to death, but she’s a bit, um, vanilla.
Well, the look on her face was enough to cause me to pull the car over because I seriously thought the woman was having a heart attack. “Are you okay?” I was quite scared. I thought I was going to have to pull out my rusty CPR skills and actually put them to use. “A for airway…” I was muttering as I screeched to a halt.
She clutched her chest. “Did you hear what he said?” she asked in a high pitched voice.
My 2 year old daughter in the back seat responded for me with, “Yeah, he said *#%^&@.” My mother in law went ashen. Right before she passed out from shock.
Needless to say, we had a discussion later on about the cursing and the rules were redefined. We don’t curse in front of grandparents with weak hearts anymore.
Here’s my thought process on this. There are far worse things that my children can say or do. If they occasionally call each other a-holes, how is that any worse than if they call each other “Stupid poopy heads”? Really. They’re good kids for the most part. I’ve never been called to school because they told a teacher off. I’ve never been told they called another child a bad word. Well, actually, one smug and sanctimonious little girl came up to me at one of my son’s games to tell me my daughter said the game was “Crap”, but that hardly counts because that kid was a stupid poopy head anyway. And crap really isn’t a bad word, either. They get their frustration out without hurling a book at people or slapping them in the face. Someone asked me once, “don’t you worry that people will think less of them if they curse?” Nah, I think if they stab someone in the eye with an ice pick because the person pissed them off, then people would think less of them.
And really, if I yell at them, am I playing the pot or the kettle? Because nobody needs a f’*#@ hypocrite for a mother 😉

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4 thoughts on “These @%&*# Kids are Making Me Curse!

  1. Wendy says:

    hahahaha I’ve struggled with this myself, probably not at your level but still using the “f” bomb in front of what I am saying gives it more punch and well it makes me feel better…Im trying to stop, but yeah…its hard. I’ve talked to other moms and we are all in the same boat. thanks for the laughs! LOL

  2. Pam says:

    Oh my gosh…I laughed so hard. I definitely can relate to this piece. I HAVE A POTTY MOUTH! Joe is always on me for it. Sometimes you need to use certain words because like she said it “just doesn’t pack the same punch” if you don’t. I remember one time when he was about 3, and my mother in law was in the backseat with him, when he let the f word out. She was in shock and wanted to know where he learned that word from…well we were like little kids, my husband blamed me and I blamed him. When he got older I would tell my son (who is now 25 yrs old) the same thing, don’t say them in school or in public.

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