A Letter to My Daughter

Hi daughter. I see you there, shoveling those crumb top donuts in your mouth when you think I’m not looking. Oh yes, I’ve got eyes in the back of my head, didn’t you know? Oh no, I’m not saying anything because…well, I’m afraid to say something. I know you’re going through a growth spurt right now and that’s why your pants don’t fit anymore and you’re hungry all the time. In my head I’m sure this is a normal thing, a normal almost ten year old girl phenomenon. But my heart is screaming at me to slap that donut out of your hand. Because if you keep eating junk food and stuffing your face, your pants won’t ever fit. And THEN, it’ll be my fault as a mother for not steering you to the celery spears and carrot sticks and tell you to stop eating donuts.

Sounds complicated, right? Conflicting? I don’t want to say the wrong thing and screw this all up. Hence why I’m pretending I don’t see you taking those donuts and I’m going to hide them or throw them out the second you turn YOUR back and replace them with the aforementioned good foods. Because I’m afraid. I don’t want you to end up like me. No, not fat. I know in my head that I’m not truly “fat”. But when I look in the mirror, that’s not what my heart sees (or rather, what my eyes see). When I look in the mirror, I see a nine year old girl who was the butt of fat jokes even though she was just chubby. I see a preteen girl who ran home and cried on more than one occasion when we all got weighed in gym class and the teacher would whisper her weight to be recorded. I see a teen who stared longingly at the teen girl magazines wondering what she would have to do to look like the girls on the cover. I see a college student who starved herself, worked out too much, and went on one too many fad diets. I see a woman in her twenties who feels guilty after enjoying an ice cream cone with rainbow sprinkles and beats herself up for indulging.  I see a mom who sucks in her gut all the time, who stares at the numbers on the scale and constantly tells herself, ‘just five more pounds and I’ll be perfect’. And then I see that same mom who loses those five pounds and promptly puts them back on because she just likes to eat and enjoy food, no matter how much guilt it causes her. I see a wife whose husband tells her he loves her just the way she is and she just can’t hear him. I see an imperfect woman who despite working out four or five days a week, jiggles in places she never jiggled before. I see a person who hides this constant battle because she doesn’t want to seem weak or superficial. I see a roller coaster that this girl just can’t seem to get off of, no matter how hard she tries.

My daughter, I don’t want you to have that problem, that self loathing complex. I want you to love yourself whether you end up a size 2 or size 12. I want you to take care of your body and be healthy and say screw you to anyone who puts you down. I want you to eat because you’re hungry, or there’s good food. I don’t want you to eat because you’re lonely, you’re bored, or you’re heart broken. But even if you do, I don’t want you to hate yourself for it. I’ve been a size 2. It hurts pushing away all the food I enjoy. And I’ve been a size 12, too. And that hurts not fitting into my clothes and hating the way I feel. You know what doesn’t hurt, though? Loving my body and accepting it. Loving myself and realizing self worth isn’t a pants size. Happiness is not a weight.

So daughter, I want you to enjoy that donut. (ONE DONUT, not the six I know you’ve eaten). And I want you to eat those celery and carrot sticks, too. You’re going to have to learn to take care of yourself and balance it out. It’s a fine line you and I will always have to walk. But I have faith that you will be okay. Because today, I’m going to start setting a good example for you, my daughter. Today is the day I change. I’m not looking in the mirror and seeing that person I used to see anymore. I refuse to. And I won’t call her fat and I won’t beat her up for her imperfections. I will see the person I want YOU to see when YOU look in the mirror…someone beautiful, inside and out, despite her weight or her crooked boobs or her one nostril that’s bigger than the other. Someone who enjoys her life and it shows. Someone who loves her daughter more than she was ever able to love herself.

How to do a Colonoscopy…Bad Mommy style

Okay, so earlier this week I had to do one of those things that come along with age…and bad family genes. I had to get a dreaded colonoscopy. Now I realize that such a procedure tends to be, how do we say, TABOO, but really it shouldn’t be. Beside the fact that it can save your life and find out why your farts smell like onions when you never eat onions, it’s actually quite comical. Allow me to demonstrate the humorous nature, starting with the day before…when you can’t eat solid food and can only have clear liquids.
For those of you that know me well, you can attest that I am a girl with a healthy appetite. That is not code for fat, all you body shamers out there. I just eat heartily (every 3 hours) and I can polish off a plate that can make a grown man weep. So as you can imagine,the idea of a “clear liquid diet” for 24 hours, was not my cup of tea. (Coincidentally, tea was one of the things on the list). Along with coffee (praise The Lord) without creamer or milk. And jello. And broth. And pretty much nothing else. Here’s how my day went.
7:00 Woke up. Remembered I couldn’t anything. Wept. Went back to sleep.
8:00 Got up for real. Showered while trying to process the fact that the shampoo smelled like mango and pineapple heaven. Wept.
9:00 Had coffee. This was okay because I drink my coffee black anyway but let me tell you, my hubby would DIE without creamer.
10:00 My stomach begins to growl. “Perhaps you have forgotten about me?” it asks. I tell it to shut up and have a spoonful of jello.
10:05 The jello is not cutting it. A friend told me if you have hot liquid after consuming the jello, it’ll fool your stomach into thinking its full. I make more coffee.
10:10 My stomach is not an idiot. More jello.
10:20 I have now consumed an entire box of jello. I stare longingly at the boxes of cereal lining the cabinet.
10:30 I put on a batch of laundry to take my mind off my hunger.
10:40 I sit down to work on my newest novel to take my mind off of hunger.
10:50 I eat more jello. I eat ALL the jello.
11:00 Followed by broth. Still doesn’t fool my stomach.
11:10 Hubby catches me licking a banana. It’s embarrassing.
11:20 after putting the clothes in the dryer, I take a nap to distract myself.
11:30 My stomach is growling so loudly I can’t fall asleep.
11:40 I have more broth.
11:50 Iced tea, I forgot! I can have iced tea! I love iced tea. That’ll take my mind off of it for sure.
12:00 I throw up my iced tea. My stomach is revolting on me for abandoning it.
12:10 I stare in the fridge. Just window shopping…
12:30 I fold the clothes while watching TV. Damn those chicken fries from Burger King look good. And the quesadilla from Taco Bell. And the succulent lobster from…TV goes off.
12:45 More broth. Try writing again. Broth is a joke.
1:00 Dog dashes out of the room when my growling stomach scares him.
1:05 Feed dogs. Their food doesn’t look half bad. I must be delirious.
1:10 Smell of dog food too close to my mouth makes me throw up.
2:00 Chug water like I am water loading on The Biggest Loser.
2:05 Get a cramp. Have to lie down.
3:00 Go pick up kids. Have more iced tea.
4:00 Get kids McDonalds because I don’t like McDonalds and I won’t feel bad.
4:05 Am slightly tempted to eat a French fry before child slaps it out of my hand.
4:15 Kids catch me inhaling the inside of the McDonalds bag. Son posts picture on Instagram.
4:20 I yell and delete picture. I’m having a bad hair day. It’s from lack of nutrients.
4:30 Wonder if wine is a “clear liquid”.
5:00 Complain to friend, husband, sister, and mother about how hungry I am via text. Sympathies all around.
6:00 The fun part begins. I take the bowel prep. It tastes so nasty I throw up. I can’t even think about food at this point.
6:10 Complain to sister, husband, friend, and mother how nasty bowel prep tastes. Sympathies all around.
6:30 Bowel prep works. It is actually the easiest part of my day. Absolutely no effort was needed. Oh wait, here comes more.
6:35 Was that a piece of corn?
6:36 Was that a pencil shaving???
6:37 Oh, no. It looks like an almond.
6:38 Wait a minute…when was the last time I had almonds?
6:40 Describe bowle prep results to sister, friend, husband and mother. Only mother answers. She regales me with tales of her bowel prep. I turn off my phone.
7:30 Hunger returns with a vengeance. I beg hubby to get me Italian ice (which I HATE…I know, I’m not normal).
8:00 Hubby returns with giant ice. I wolf it down as I pick out tiny bits of fruit. For the most part. Hey, don’t judge me.
8:02 Ice cream headache. Damn, how I wish this was ice cream.
8:30 Read to distract myself.
9:00 Book is written by a sadist who keeps talking about her meals and describing them in detail. Fling book across the room.
9:15 Pace.
9:20 Make a list of all the food I want to eat tomorrow.
9:30 Wish I could go to bed so I don’t have to think about not eating any more.
10:00 Willpower is breaking. I smell popcorn.
10:05 I consider the fact that I have to do one more bowel prep and that anything I eat will just come out, right?
10:10 I spy honey in the cabinet. I can have honey! It’s on the list!
10:15 Five tablespoons of honey later, I am nauseous.
11:00 I start the second bowel prep an hour early. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. I should follow directions. But I just want to go to sleep.
11:05 Remember the hideous taste from earlier. Get straw and hold nose.
11:10 Straw and nose holding cannot thwart the disgusting taste in my mouth. I gulp back vomit. Tastes like chicken broth. And jello.
11:30 Finish prep. Sit on toilet and wait.
11:40 And wait.
11:50 Still waiting.
12:00 Realize there is nothing left in my body to crap out because I haven’t had any $&%# food in nearly 30 hours.
12:10 Go to sleep.
12:20 Trust a fart. Change clothes.
12:30 Take Benedryl to fall asleep. It’s a clear liquid, right?
8:00 Wake up. Go for test.
9:00 Sit in waiting room. There is a sign that says No Food or Drinks. Everyone who is not having a test is drinking or eating.
10:00 Still in waiting room. Now Rachael Ray is on. They are assholes at this place apparently. Hubby says he might just come back for me instead of waiting.
10:05 Hubby asks nurse for bandaid for nail marks on his arm.
10:10 Go in for test.
11:40 Test done. They offer me juice and a cookie A cookie, as in ONE. They can shove their cookie up their butts…I’m have steak and lobster.

Chick Lit Rocks!

banner

What would the soundtrack to The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell sound like?
Check out these tunes below, and don’t forget to read the instructions on how to enter for another chance at winning one of Whitney’s Goodies!

Welcome to the Jungle AND Lips of An Angel on one soundtrack??? Sounds like a wild ride! Check out the whole novel:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NOFDA8W

goodies
For a chance to win the GRAND PRIZE of a one-pound package of caramels from Whitney’s Goodies http://whitneysgoodies.com/, tell me in the comments, which song above is your favorite?
Entrants must leave their full name, along with an e-mail address. A winner will be chosen via Random.org on Wednesday, May 20th. This giveaway is open to residents of the US only.
Winner can choose their flavor from those listed below.

The Girl Next Door (Crème Caramels): A scrumptious, full-bodied caramel. Old fashioned, melt-in-your-mouth bliss!
The Charmer (Chocolate Crème Caramels): This smooth, chocolate cream caramel will add panache to your day. An exquisite and elegant morsel, simply irresistible.
The Movie Star (Orange Crème Caramels): A timeless treat that will satisfy caramel fans of all ages. “The stuff that dreams are made of!”
The Bombshell (Lemon Crème Caramels): A bodacious bit of heaven with a bold citrus pallet. They will leave you satisfied and refreshed. Caramels are a girl’s best friend!
Always a Lady (Rose Caramels): A delicate bouquet of rose essence infuses this lovely caramel: alluring, tantalizing and reminiscent of another era. They are perfect for weddings and bridal showers. A definite for ladies who lunch or breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Check out these other playlists on these awesome Rocking Chicks’ Blogs for 19 more chances to win!

Laura Kenyon – http://wp.me/p28QA1-1JT

Gina Henning – http://www.ginahenning.com/blog/2015/5/4/chick-lit-rocks

Lauren Clark – http://www.laurenclarkbooks.com/2015/05/13/pie-girls-chick-lit-rocks/

Laura Chapman – http://www.change-the-word.com/2015/05/chicklitmay-soundtrack.html

Jennifer Farwell – http://jenniferfarwell.com/2015/05/13/chick-lit-rocks/

Bethany Turner – http://www.abbyphelps.com/musings-from-abby-and-friends

Clodagh Murphy http://www.clodaghmurphy.com/blog

Stacey Wiedower – http://staceywiedower.com/blog/

Tracy Krimmer – http://www.tracykrimmer.com/2015/05/12/chicklitrocks/

Jillianne Hamilton – http://jillianne-hamilton.com/chick-lit-rocks/

Kristina Knight – http://www.wordwranglers.blogspot.com

Jennifer Collin – http://jennifercollin.blogspot.com/2015/05/chick-lit-rocks.html

Whitney Dineen – http://whitneydineen.com/2015/05/04/chick-lit-rocks/

Maggie Le Page – http://hellopreciousbliss.com/

Karen M. Cox – http://wp.me/p3IgXQ-nY

Rachel L. Hamm – http://rlhammauthor.com/2015/05/03/chick-lit-rocks/

T. A. Munroe – http://tamunroe.com/2015/05/05/music-that-ins…-on-the-planet/

K.J. Farnham – http://wp.me/p5gUFR-eX

Serena Clarke – http://wp.me/p2Z7wj-XW

What’s on page 45?

Chicklitpg45

8mistakes_coverPINK_FRONTwebuse

What’s on page 45 of “The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell”???

Well, it’s at this point in the story that Amy is finally getting to sit down after running around like a crazed maniac with a piñata after organizing her son’s sixth birthday party. As every mother knows, planning a party is a gigantic undertaking and you get no assistance from anyone. Not only were the kids messing up the place as she cleaned and prepped, she forgot to make the cake AND her husband opted for a crab catching reality show marathon with a few beers instead of helping her. To make matters worse, she just discovered a strange teenager in her backyard playing with her six year old. Being the protective mom she is, she marches him across the street by his ear. She is shocked to find out he’s actually been living there for months in the care of his grandmother and grandfather, Mary and Walter, neighbors she thought she knew. His father, Jason, is a widower and travels often for business. Turns out the teenager, Sean, is autistic and wandered out of his grandparents’ care.
While the neighbor’s story makes sense, Amy still thinks something is off. Why did they never mention a grandson living with them? Why did they never mention that they had a son? Amy had never seen any visitors, and now that she thought about it, she had never seen this “son”, Jason, either. She is instantly suspicious. Maybe he isn’t their grandson after all. Maybe they kidnapped him! (It is evident at this point of the story that our heroine has a bit of an overactive imagination).
So while Amy is relaxing after most of the party guests have left with a glass of wine and picking up the discarded wrapping paper, she is shocked to hear her perfect sister (the one who she will NEVER live up to in the eyes of her mother) mention the drug rings that are running rampant in the “seedy” neighborhood that Amy lives in.

I sit up, suddenly at attention. ‘What? Could that be why Mary was squirrely earlier? Maybe they didn’t kidnap Sean, but they are using him as a drug mule!’

Has Sean been kidnapped? Is he being used as a drug mule? Are Mary and Walter as innocent as they seem? And who is this mysterious Jason? Find out in “The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell”:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mistakes-Maxwell-Series-Book-ebook/dp/B00NOFDA8W

For a chance to win a GRAND PRIZE of a one-pound package of caramels from Whitney’s Goodies http://whitneysgoodies.com/, answer the question below and leave the answer in the comments section:
In 4 or 5 words, why do you think The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell would be a good read?
Entrants must leave their full name, along with an e-mail address. A winner will be chosen via Random.org on Tuesday, May 19th. This giveaway is open to residents of the US only.

goodies

Winner can choose their flavor from those listed below.
The Girl Next Door (Crème Caramels): A scrumptious, full-bodied caramel. Old fashioned, melt-in-your-mouth bliss!
The Charmer (Chocolate Crème Caramels): This smooth, chocolate cream caramel will add panache to your day. An exquisite and elegant morsel, simply irresistible.
The Movie Star (Orange Crème Caramels): A timeless treat that will satisfy caramel fans of all ages. “The stuff that dreams are made of!”
The Bombshell (Lemon Crème Caramels): A bodacious bit of heaven with a bold citrus pallet. They will leave you satisfied and refreshed. Caramels are a girl’s best friend!
Always a Lady (Rose Caramels): A delicate bouquet of rose essence infuses this lovely caramel: alluring, tantalizing and reminiscent of another era. They are perfect for weddings and bridal showers. A definite for ladies who lunch or breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Check out what’s on page 45 of these author’s novels for 34 more chances to win!

Kristina Knight – http://www.kristiknight.blogspot.com

Pippa Franks – http://pippafranks.blogspot.com/2015/05/whats-on-page-45.html

Laura Kenyon – http://wp.me/p28QA1-1JR

Jayne Denker: http://wp.me/p2yU7r-gy

Amy Gettinger – http://amygettinger.com

Gina Henning – http://www.ginahenning.com/blog/2015/5/4/whats-on-page-45

Jennifer Ammoscato – http://jenniferammoscato.com/blog

Lauren Clark – http://www.laurenclarkbooks.com/2015/05/12/pie-girls-whats-on-page-45/

Laura Chapman – http://www.change-the-word.com/2015/05/chicklitmay-whats-on-page-45.html

Celia Kennedy – http://womanreinventsself.blogspot.com/2015/05/whats-on-page-45.html

Jennifer Farwell – http://jenniferfarwell.com/2015/05/12/whats-on-page-45/

Glynis Astie – http://blog.glynisastie.com/2015/05/whats-on-page-45.html

Clodagh Murphy http://www.clodaghmurphy.com/blog

Stacey Wiedower – http://staceywiedower.com/blog/

Bethany Turner – www.abbyphelps.com/musings-from-abby-and-friends

Franky Brown – http://frankybrown.com

Tracy Krimmer – http://www.tracykrimmer.com/2015/05/11/page45

Jillianne Hamilton – http://jillianne-hamilton.com/whats-on-page-45/

Catherine L. Hensley – www.catherinehensley.com

Becky Monson – http://www.beckymonson.com/#!blog/c1vi7

Georgina Troy – http://georginatroy.blogspot.com/2015/05/chicklitmay-whats-on-page-45.html

Zanna Mackenzie – http://www.zannamackenzie/blogspot.co.uk

Jennifer Collin – http://jennifercollin.blogspot.com/2015/05/whats-on-page-45.html

Monique McDonell –

Samantha March – http://samanthamarch.com/chicklitmay-whats-on-page-45/

Sky Greene – http://livinglifewithjoy.com/2015/05/11/chicklitmay-whats-on-page-45/

Whitney Dineen – http://whitneydineen.com/2015/05/04/page-45/

Maggie Le Page – http://hellopreciousbliss.com/

Kathryn Biel – http://kathrynbiel.blogspot.com/2015/05/whats-on-page-45.html

Meredith Schorr – http://wp.me/p2PJqp-xV

Karen M. Cox – http://wp.me/p3IgXQ-nH

Rachel L. Hamm – http://rlhammauthor.com/2015/05/03/whats-on-page-45/

T. A. Munroe –  http://tamunroe.com/2015/05/04/whats-on-page-…-on-the-planet/

Jennie Marts – http://celiakennedy.weebly.com/promotions.html

Serena Clarke – http://wp.me/p2Z7wj-XU

 

All I Want For Mother’s Day is…

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day. In my eyes, it’s a Hallmark holiday with built up expectations that fail. Every. Single. Year. So I’m going to lower any expectations this year and say I don’t want anything at all. They can’t screw that up, can they?

Oh, but they will. Because when I say “all I want is nothing”, it’s not completely true. No, I don’t want anything materialistic like a spa day or a new Coach bag. Hell, I’ll buy that for myself. I don’t want a crappy homemade card that my kids whipped up the night before on the back of a grocery receipt. I don’t want droopy flowers or a plant to kill. What I do want, and what I am hoping one year I will finally get, is a little bit of appreciation. And quiet. I really want the quiet most of all.

I want to go an entire day without having to remind my daughter to bring her twenty seven million stuffed animals upstairs instead of scattering them all over the living room. I want to go an entire day without pulling my son’s dirty socks out of the couch cushions and finding his “cup” on the floor of my car. I want to go an entire day without the cat throwing up (or at least if she does, someone else cleans it up). I want to go an entire day without the dog waking me up to go out in the middle of the night. Let him wake someone else up for a change. I want to go an entire day without repeating myself fifty two THOUSAND times when I ask my son to empty the dishwasher. I want to go an entire day without cleaning up milk spills on the floor and juice dripped down the front of the refrigerator. I want to go an entire day without screaming at people to wipe the toilet seat and aim better. I want to go an entire day without screaming at people to dry the shower doors when they’re done showering so mold doesn’t grow in the cracks. I want to go an entire day without yelling at my daughter for drinking in the living room. I want to go an entire day without yelling at my son about eating in the living room. I want to go an entire day without reminding my daughter about her homework or ranting to my son about his missing Math assignments. I want to go an entire day without someone shoving a trip permission slip in my face at 8 am on a Monday morning saying, “here sign this…oh and I need money…cash only.” I want to go an entire day without my daughter having a meltdown because she’s hot, tired, hungry, achy, cold, doesn’t want to play softball, or is just plain bitchy. I want to go an entire day without telling my son that he needs to put his clean laundry away so that the cat doesn’t pee on it. I want to go an entire day without my kids kicking each other or making faces at each other or just fighting for No F’ING REASON AT ALL EXCEPT TO PISS ME OFF. I want to go an entire day without anyone arguing with me. I want to go an entire day when everyone just does what they’re supposed to without being asked.

So basically…I do need that spa day because the only way any of that will happen is if my children wake up with brain transplants on Mother’s Day or I’m not home. I’m thinking “not home” is my best bet for a great Mother’s Day. If anyone needs me…go find your father.

You think YOU’RE having a bad day? Check out my heroine, Amy Maxwell as she fights crime AND juggles four kids in “The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell” and “Amy Maxwell & the 7 Deadly Sins”.

http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-Amy-Maxwell-Book-ebook/dp/B00NOFDA8W/ref=la_B00BKPUEU0_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1431089624&sr=1-3

http://www.amazon.com/Amy-Maxwell-Deadly-Sins-Book-ebook/dp/B00U9STB1W/ref=la_B00BKPUEU0_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1431089624&sr=1-1