Top Ten Reasons to Visit the School Nurse

It’s been a harrowing day of insanity at the nurse’s office. My feet are throbbing from dashing around in my heels, I’m lightheaded from lack of food, and I have a tingling in my bladder from not getting to use the bathroom…I’m pretty sure I may have peed my pants when I sneezed. Lots of kids puking, right? Allergy season running amuck? Playground injuries?

No, no, and a resounding no. Oh sure, I see all that during the day, but those things, I don’t mind. They’re part of my job. What’s more, vomiting and injuries don’t bother me. I actually look forward to real nursing duties during the day. Splinters and scraped knees and migraines, oh my! Got an immunization question? I bet I know the answer! What’s that rash? Not sure, but I’ll do my best to find out. What foods are in the vegetable AND grain group…I know that too! (Answer: it’s corn and potatoes)

That’s what I’m here for, what I studied for.  But apparently I’ve come to learn over the last fourteen years, “school nurse” is synonymous with MOMMY. Anything they can’t figure out what to do about, I get to tackle. Because after all, having gone to nursing school makes me the most qualified individual in the building to zip up pants.

And that’s #10 on my list:  Clothing issues. About five times a day, I get, “Can you button my pants? Can you zip my pants? Can you tie my shoes?” When the kids get their zipper on their jacket stuck, they get sent to me. Yup, cuz that Bio class I took really helped with the task of zippering. Oh, and I had a teacher send me a kid to zip their hood of their coat to the top of the coat. What. The. ???

#9. Loose teeth. I’m not a dentist. I don’t pull teeth. It’ll come out when it’s ready. Come back when it comes out and I’ll give you a cute little treasure chest and help you rinse your mouth. I repeat, I am NOT pulling your tooth. No, please don’t show me how far you can twist it because I’m still not pulling it.

#8. Invisible paper cuts. This is a biggie. In fact, I might estimate this accounts for 50% of my day. If I can’t see it, you don’t need a Band-Aid.

#7. Spilled milk/ juice/ water/ condiments. When the kids spill on themselves at lunch, like they’re apt to, I get to figure out what to do with them. Sometimes, I’ll call home. Usually, moms and dads cannot leave work just to bring their kids an extra set of clothes (which I TOTALLY understand). Sometimes I have an extra shirt they can wear or we can blow dry it, but if I don’t, this causes quite the ruckus. Heaven forbid anyone has ketchup stain on their shirt. Oh and dog/geese poop on the shoes. Apparently anything that has to do with bodily functions (human OR animal) is relegated to school nurses.

#6. Chapped lips. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stop licking your lips!!!!!!

#5. Something happened yesterday/ over the weekend/ four months ago, and now it “stings”. I’m not talking about a broken arm. I’m talking those invisible paper cuts again. Oh and “it hurts when I do this” (taps lip, bends hand all the way back, cracks knuckles, tries to do a backflip, or any other thing you should not be doing in the first place). My answer? “Don’t do that and it’ll stop hurting.”

#4. Lice. Yes, I realize checking for lice is in my job description. HOWEVER, it is not the end of the freakin’ world. If I tell you I will check later/ tomorrow/ soon…the world as we know it will NOT end. Lice is at the bottom of my pile of “Important things to deal with today”. (The kid with the broken finger and the other one with the split lip kind of take precedence.) Teachers: I do not want to check your hair. I do not think that you got lice because you were in the same room as someone who had lice. Don’t want to possibly catch lice? Don’t go to the movies. Or leave your coat in a coat closet at a restaurant. Or sit on a plane. It’s all around us people. (Insert freak out here…)

#3.  Speaking of all around us…when there is “something going around” and the teachers want every person who sneezes and coughs or has a pink tinged eye to go home so they don’t “bring anything home to their kids, spouse, dog, etc. etc.”. As a PSA, I can assure you there is ALWAYS something going around. If you don’t want to ever catch something, don’t leave your house. And certainly don’t work in an elementary school. That’s like rolling around in a patch of poison ivy and not expecting the rash that surfaces three days later. Here’s a clue…if I’m not running in the other direction, there’s no need for you to worry. Who do you think deals with EVERY illness to cross the threshold of the school? Oh, and wash your hands.

#2. “So and so shouted and it hurts my ear”. Okay, and what would you like me to do about this? No really, seriously? None of the kids seem to mind the headphones blasting in their eardrums 24/7.

#1. My absolute favorite. Stuff spilled in backpacks (ie. milk, water, soda). THIS IS NOT A MEDICAL ISSUE!!!!!! Enough said.

Women Hero Wednesdays

A movement to celebrate women in fiction was trending on Twitter last week. It was called #womeninfiction. The essential question was “what female literary character is your hero and why?” Thousands of people (not just women, because men have female heroes, who knew?) were posting their answers. My personal favorites include Scout from “To Kill a Mockingbird”, Nancy Drew, and Anne Shirley of the “Anne of Green Gables” series.
Women writers and heroines are just as prevalent now as they were back when my favorites were written, maybe even more so. A new genre has even evolved with the sometimes misleading title, “Chick Lit”.
According to Wikipedia (who is to be totally and completely trusted at all times) “Chick lit” is genre fiction which addresses issues of modern womanhood, often humorously and lightheartedly. It typically features a female protagonist whose womanhood is a large theme in the plot. While it’s predominantly women, it’s not just for “chicks”. Quite a few men have been known to enjoy “chick lit”. I guess men like to be amused too, huh?
I have to admit, I was a little bit of an anti-chick lit snob back in the day. To me, it was soap opera writing, with little or no substance. I preferred to torture myself with only classics and literary fiction. That was, until I read some fabulous chick lit (and subsequently was inspired to write it myself). To me, chick lit novels are the sit coms of literature. If it is well written, it not only is entertaining and engaging, we can take away a lesson, a moral, and a point. It can be just as poignant as any literary fiction, with the added bonus of being amusing. I would like to introduce some of my favorite chick lit writers to you, my readers. Many of their characters are women I admire, I wondered who THEIR favorite literary women were. Each Wednesday in April, I will highlight one of my favorite Chick Lit books and their authors so we can all find out what #womeninliterature are their heroes. You can also find my review of their books in the same spot.

Canadanancy drewTo_Kill_a_Mockingbird

Excerpt from “Amy Maxwell & the 7 Deadly Sins”

He slides his muscular arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to his body. I feel the heat radiating off of him, my pulse speeding up to match his. Sweat is beading on my forehead as a result of the warmth of his body and the small space in which we are occupying. I am instantly wary. I cautiously sniff underneath my left arm pit. Nope. No smell. I sigh with relief. I am calm, cool, and collected. I feel safe. I just know he will keep me safe. I wouldn’t trust anyone else with my life.

“Okay, when the suspect enters our visual field, keep calm. We are just going to watch for now. Have your weapon trained on him, but don’t shoot.” His soft lips press against my ear as he murmurs to me, his breath tickling my skin while he reiterates. “I repeat, do NOT shoot.”

I nod with acknowledgement of his instructions. He is my senior officer, my commander in chief. I do whatever he tells me to do.

“Here he is!” he whispers animatedly in my ear, his words causing my neck to prickle with excitement. My first stake-out! I can hardly believe it! I hold my gun and attempt to keep my hand steady.

“Follow my lead. Don’t do anything unless I tell you to.”

Still crouched down, he creeps closer to the edge, his Glock semi-automatic perched on the ledge of the window. I follow suit, leaning my weapon next to his.

He seems startled by my move and stares at me, but a smile quickly creeps onto his face, causing my heart to flutter. That smile melts me every time. He removes one hand from his Glock and places it over mine, squeezing my trembling fingers. “Don’t be nervous,” he tells me in a gentle voice. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I know. You never let anything happen to me…”

“That’s right,” he says proudly. “Remember in the cabin that night? I kept you safe. I saved you and Allie.”

“Well, it was actually Sean that saved us.” I bite my lip. I can’t believe I just said that.

But Jason doesn’t have time to react to my statement. Instead, his head whips around as the suspect is now approaching the area where we are hiding. He leaps to his feet; his weapon clenched in his hands as splintering gun fire suddenly erupts all around us. Jason recoils as he is hit in the right shoulder, dropping his gun as blood instantly oozes from the gaping wound.

“Fire, Amy! Fire your weapon!” he screams at me as he grabs at his shoulder.

I lift my gun; my eye trained on the suspect as my finger grips the trigger. I am shaking but I know I need to do this-

“Amy! Do I have any clean pants?”

I am rattled from my scintillating dream by Roger shaking my body. He is standing over the bed, stark naked with what’s left of his hair dripping onto my pillow. And I mean the hair on his head for all you sickos out there.

“Huh? What?” I ask, groggy from being unceremoniously awaken at such a God awful hour. I rub my bleary eyes and strain to read the angry red numbers on the clock on my nightstand. They are dancing around, taunting me to dare to read them.

Shit. I can’t see! Where are my glasses? I begin to feel around blindly, searching for the reading glasses I swear I placed there last night.

“My pants! I need khakis for today!” Roger is hopping up and down as he does when he is agitated. I reach across the bed to bring the clock closer to my face and nearly puke as I read the glowing red numbers. 6:45. Oh crap! I’m late!

I leap from the bed, nearly knocking my husband over in the process. My body slams into his fleshy middle, his semi erect…uh, you know… poking me in the left boob.

“Jesus Christ, Roger! Put on some pants!” I yelp, rubbing my offended breast as if he has stabbed me through the heart. Doesn’t that thing ever take a break?

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Pre-order now and have it delivered to your Kindle on Release Day, April 10th! (If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download the Kindle app!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00U9STB1W

What’s With This Me Generation???

After today, I think I may be closing out my Facebook account. At least, I probably won’t be going on as often as I have in the past. You see, today I saw more ridiculous postings than I’ve ever seen in the past and I really want to throw my phone against the wall.
It started off with a video of a “Promposal”. Nope, no typo…that’s right, a PROMPOSAL. A high school senior asked his girlfriend of two years to the prom with signs and balloons. She was shocked and crying and bowled over, like he had told he was a closet billionaire and wanted to sweep her away to Europe. Um, how is this a surprise? If you’re dating someone and it’s prom time, don’t you ASSUME you’ll go together??? I think this was the convo between me and my boyfriend when we were seniors (now my husband):
Me: The prom is coming up.
Him: Yeah.
Me: We should go.
Him: Ok. I’ll pick you up at 6.
Me: Make sure you get a corsage.
Him: Ok.

That was it. Actually, I might have had to remind him to rent a tux, but seriously, no balloons, no flowers…and guess what? IT WAS FINE! We survived! (His marriage proposal wasn’t much better, but at least he had a ring to give me).

It’s like this up and coming generation is trying to outdo each other with each and every simple act by going over the top. Everything is look at ME!
I saw one picture of a bridal party at a shower. Ten bridesmaids. Another had fourteen! FOURTEEN! I don’t even know fourteen people I hate enough to demand they empty their wallets and go broke in the process of me getting married. When I got married I had four bridemaids and a junior bridesmaid. I didn’t care what shoes they wore or how their hair was. As long as they showed up and had fun, it was all good. But is it good enough for today’s Bridezillas? Not a chance. They want their wedding day planned down to the hair in their groom’s nostrils. It’s not about the marriage…it’s about the “perfect” day.
It starts with a catchy little way to trick your bridal party to fork over their lifesavings and the next year of their existence along with their sanity. Maybe it’s “bridesmaidposal” on a balloon or a fishing hook in a wineglass (“You’re hooked into my wedding…wink, wink). You can blame Pintrest for these ideas; they’re in the same section as “Promoposals”. Then, there’s an over the top shower with seven hundred and fifty pages of necessary items on ten different registries. Seriously, what newlyweds need crystal salt and pepper shakers? You’re just going to be eating Ramen noodles for the first five years of your marriage anyway.
after that, there’s a bachelorette party (which usually involves a weekend away). What twenty three year old needs a weekend away? What are they getting away from??? Girls, save your weekends away for when you have kids and going to the bathroom alone is considered a vacation.
Then comes the actual wedding which costs anywhere from $40,000 upwards. You know what $40,000 is? A new car that’s going to last longer than eight hours. Or a down payment on a house. We spent less than half that amount on our wedding (including the honeymoon) and guess what? We’re just as married as these kids are.

And it doesn’t end after the wedding either. When the babies some, there’s a whole new animal…gender reveal parties. What. The. F??? Whole parties to announce the sex of your child, complete with cake and balloons again. Do you really think people care that much if your kid is a boy or a girl???? Do you bring gifts to these parties? I don’t know because I’m pretty sure I would refuse to go to one. Let me know what you had via a cute little post card in the mail. Seriously, I don’t need to eat pink cake and drink blue punch.

It’ll never end for this generation because they seem to be out to show the world how important and complete their lives are. They’re continuing their traditions of overabundance and over indulgence with their children. You didn’t throw your one year old a party at the swankiest reception hall in town? Shame on you! And their Sweet Sixteen was held in your backyard???? Without an ice sculpture that spells out their name???? How dare you! You must not love your kid! And you certainly aren’t going to help breed the next generation of narcissists. On second thought, thanks again. There’s no more room for them on this planet.

Amy Maxwell & the 7 Deadly Sins Cover Reveal Party!!!!

It’s finally HERE! The long awaited cover reveal for “The 8 Mistakes of Amy Maxwell” sequel, “Amy Maxwell & the 7 Deadly Sins”. Wait, you weren’t all waiting with baited breath to see what the cover would look like???
Well, maybe you haven’t but I’ve been very excited to see this cover ever since I sent the novel to my cover designer, Anita Carroll of Race-Point, to work on.
Head on over to my Facebook page at 9 pm (Eastern time) and join us for fun and giveaways!
https://www.facebook.com/HeatherBalogsBooksBlogBacktalk
 

Christine Ardigo & Tracy Krimmer

For my last day of Pay it Forward, I’ve decided to give you guys TWO authors again today…after all, two is twice as nice 🙂

christine
First up is Christine Ardigo, contemporary romance writer.
About Christine:
I loved reading as a child, and looked forward to my father taking me to Barnes & Noble to buy a new book. At 10 years old, I was obsessed with Nancy Drew and collected over twenty of her books, devouring them in less than four hours, unable to wait for my next one.
In 6th grade I wrote two novels, I called them The Linda Wells Mysteries. I wrote them in a battered spiral notebook, complete with several horrendous fantastic hand drawings! It was then that I decided I wanted to write a real novel one day.
But when I graduated high school, the thought of majoring in English scared me. What would I do when I graduated? Sit home all day and write books? I was afraid, and with no guidance, I chose Nutrition as my major, and received a Masters in Exercise Physiology. My two other loves.
Although I went on to love activities like weight lifting, rock climbing, white-water rafting and jumping out of airplanes, there was something missing: no real goal, no end point to reach for.
One boring Saturday evening in September, I sat in front of my computer and decided to write. It became an obsession. Something I buried away for years had finally unleashed. It was my passion. Storytelling. Something I lost sight of as I traveled down my conveyor belt of a life. It was all I wanted to do.
So here I am today, to let you know that I published 2 contemporary romance novels. Both are currently available on Amazon and I can only hope that someone will love them as much as I loved writing them.

Connect with Christine:
For any questions, please send an email to
ChristineArdigo@aol.com
Find me on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Christine-Ardigo-Author
Find me on GoodReads:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8157754.Christine_Ardigo
Find me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/ChristineArdigo
Find me on Pinterest:

Find me on Google+:
https://plus.google.com/+ChristineArdigo/posts

Check out her books!
http://christine-ardigo-author.com/
Cheating to Survive
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K87TGG4
Every Five Years
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MNPVZWM

And last but certainly not least, Tracy Krimmer, author of Caching In.
tracy

About Tracy Krimmer:

I’m a writer of anything and everything. Pieces of it All released in May 2014 & my newest full length novel, Caching In, was released in December 2014. I also have written several short stories with more in the works.

Connect with Tracy here:
http://www.tracykrimmer.com/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/KrimmerAuthor
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/tkrimms
Make you check out her blog!
http://www.tracykrimmer.com/blog/

caching in

Can a compass lead you to love?
Broken-hearted Ally Couper has had enough with her ridiculous life. Her job at the bank is going nowhere, and her love life might as well be non-existent.
Determined to try something new, Ally becomes absorbed in the world of geocaching. The high-tech driven scavenger hunt introduces her to Seth, and she realizes the game isn’t the only thrilling part.
Ally’s bad luck may finally be changing, until the past threatens to halt her future with Seth. Can they find happiness together, or is love the one cache Ally can’t find?
Caching In: http://www.amazon.com/Caching-Geocaching-Story-Tracy-Krimmer-ebook/dp/B00OEI7IZE