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Okay, so earlier this week I had to do one of those things that come along with age…and bad family genes. I had to get a dreaded colonoscopy. Now I realize that such a procedure tends to be, how do we say, TABOO, but really it shouldn’t be. Beside the fact that it can save your life and find out why your farts smell like onions when you never eat onions, it’s actually quite comical.

Allow me to demonstrate the humorous nature, starting with the day before…when you can’t eat solid food and can only have clear liquids.

For those of you that know me well, you can attest that I am a girl with a healthy appetite. That is not code for fat, all you body-shamers out there. I just eat heartily (every 3 hours) and I can polish off a plate that can make a grown man weep.

So as you can imagine,the idea of a “clear liquid diet” for 24 hours, was not my cup of tea. (Coincidentally, tea was one of the things on the list). Along with coffee (praise The Lord) without creamer or milk. And jello. And broth. And pretty much nothing else. Here’s how my day went.

7:00 Woke up. Remembered I couldn’t anything. Wept. Went back to sleep.
8:00 Got up for real. Showered while trying to process the fact that the shampoo smelled like mango and pineapple heaven. Wept.
9:00 Had coffee. This was okay because I drink my coffee black anyway but let me tell you, my hubby would DIE without creamer.
10:00 My stomach begins to growl. “Perhaps you have forgotten about me?” it asks. I tell it to shut up and have a spoonful of jello.
10:05 The jello is not cutting it. A friend told me if you have hot liquid after consuming the jello, it’ll fool your stomach into thinking its full. I make more coffee.
10:10 My stomach is not an idiot. More jello.
10:20 I have now consumed an entire box of jello. I stare longingly at the boxes of cereal lining the cabinet.
10:30 I put on a batch of laundry to take my mind off my hunger.
10:40 I sit down to work on my newest novel to take my mind off of hunger.
10:50 I eat more jello. I eat ALL the jello.
11:00 Followed by broth. Still doesn’t fool my stomach.
11:10 Hubby catches me licking a banana. It’s embarrassing.
11:20 after putting the clothes in the dryer, I take a nap to distract myself.
11:30 My stomach is growling so loudly I can’t fall asleep.
11:40 I have more broth.
11:50 Iced tea, I forgot! I can have iced tea! I love iced tea. That’ll take my mind off of it for sure.
12:00 I throw up my iced tea. My stomach is revolting on me for abandoning it.
12:10 I stare in the fridge. Just window shopping…
12:30 I fold the clothes while watching TV. Damn those chicken fries from Burger King look good. And the quesadilla from Taco Bell. And the succulent lobster from…TV goes off.
12:45 More broth. Try writing again. Broth is a joke.
1:00 Dog dashes out of the room when my growling stomach scares him.
1:05 Feed dogs. Their food doesn’t look half bad. I must be delirious.
1:10 Smell of dog food too close to my mouth makes me throw up.
2:00 Chug water like I am water loading on The Biggest Loser.
2:05 Get a cramp. Have to lie down.
3:00 Go pick up kids. Have more iced tea.
4:00 Get kids McDonalds because I don’t like McDonalds and I won’t feel bad.
4:05 Am slightly tempted to eat a French fry before child slaps it out of my hand.
4:15 Kids catch me inhaling the inside of the McDonalds bag. Son posts picture on Instagram.
4:20 I yell and delete picture. I’m having a bad hair day. It’s from lack of nutrients.
4:30 Wonder if wine is a “clear liquid”.
5:00 Complain to friend, husband, sister, and mother about how hungry I am via text. Sympathies all around.
6:00 The fun part begins. I take the bowel prep. It tastes so nasty I throw up. I can’t even think about food at this point.
6:10 Complain to sister, husband, friend, and mother how nasty bowel prep tastes. Sympathies all around.
6:30 Bowel prep works. It is actually the easiest part of my day. Absolutely no effort was needed. Oh wait, here comes more.
6:35 Was that a piece of corn?
6:36 Was that a pencil shaving???
6:37 Oh, no. It looks like an almond.
6:38 Wait a minute…when was the last time I had almonds?
6:40 Describe bowel prep results to sister, friend, husband and mother. Only mother answers. She regales me with tales of her bowel prep. I turn off my phone.
7:30 Hunger returns with a vengeance. I beg hubby to get me Italian ice (which I HATE…I know, I’m not normal).
8:00 Hubby returns with giant ice. I wolf it down as I pick out tiny bits of fruit. For the most part. Hey, don’t judge me.
8:02 Ice cream headache. Damn, how I wish this was ice cream.
8:30 Read to distract myself.
9:00 Book is written by a sadist who keeps talking about her meals and describing them in detail. Fling book across the room.
9:15 Pace.
9:20 Make a list of all the food I want to eat tomorrow.
9:30 Wish I could go to bed so I don’t have to think about not eating any more.
10:00 Willpower is breaking. I smell popcorn.
10:05 I consider the fact that I have to do one more bowel prep and that anything I eat will just come out, right?
10:10 I spy honey in the cabinet. I can have honey! It’s on the list!
10:15 Five tablespoons of honey later, I am nauseous.
11:00 I start the second bowel prep an hour early. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. I should follow directions. But I just want to go to sleep.
11:05 Remember the hideous taste from earlier. Get straw and hold nose.
11:10 Straw and nose holding cannot thwart the disgusting taste in my mouth. I gulp back vomit. Tastes like chicken broth. And jello.
11:30 Finish prep. Sit on toilet and wait.
11:40 And wait.
11:50 Still waiting.
12:00 Realize there is nothing left in my body to crap out because I haven’t had any $&%# food in nearly 30 hours.
12:10 Go to sleep.
12:20 Trust a fart. Change clothes.
12:30 Take Benedryl to fall asleep. It’s a clear liquid, right?
8:00 Wake up. Go for test.
9:00 Sit in waiting room. There is a sign that says No Food or Drinks. Everyone who is not having a test is drinking or eating.
10:00 Still in waiting room. Now Rachael Ray is on. They are assholes at this place apparently. Hubby says he might just come back for me instead of waiting.
10:05 Hubby asks nurse for bandaid for nail marks on his arm.
10:10 Go in for test.
11:40 Test done. They offer me juice and a cookie A cookie, as in ONE. They can shove their cookie up their butts…I’m have steak and lobster.

4 thoughts on “How to do a Colonoscopy…Bad Mommy style

  1. Oh, I needed this today! Thank you, Heather! ‘Trust a fart. Change clothes.’ I almost peed my pants after reading that. The prep liquid was the worst for me. I contemplated adding vodka to it. That’s a clear liquid, right? Wasn’t on the damn list. For anyone else needing one of these soon, it’s awful, but the drugs they give you for the procedure are the BEST! Except their affect on me scared my husband. Two minutes after the doc left the recovery room after talking to us, I looked at my husband and asked when the doctor was coming in to let us know how it went. Not kidding! He didn’t know what to do. Luckily the nurse was there and told him that my short term memory would be shot for awhile, but would come back in a few hours. He still wonders if I was joking, but I assure him, I was not. Some people hang pictures of their kids on their fridge; mine had pics of my colon for a week. Just the kind of girl I am.

  2. Omg i was dying laughing this is awesome.
    the whole licking a banana inhaling the McDonald’s bag all of it hysterical
    trusted a fart!! omg so funny
    oh I would DIE WITHOUT creamer too
    ..thanks for this. I like food too.xo

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