Shock Collars for Social Media

I realize that this is completely off topic, but this is just meant to be a satirical post, poking fun of everyone who uses Facebook (myself included). If you see yourself in this post, just laugh, ok? I’m guilty of almost all of the following.

I’m convinced that social media just may destroy the world as we know it. I don’t mean that kids nowadays have no idea how to interact with each other without a cell phone in their hand or the fact that they are all going to seriously need chiropractic adjustments because their neck muscles can’t hold their head up to look straight ahead. That’s all true, of course. (Please see, Before Technology Ate Our Brains).
No, what I am witnessing is much, much worse. It’s not the kids imploding as much as it is the adults. Adults are doing this to themselves…they can’t blame the damn kids for this one. Social media has become, well, a social circus of sorts. Facebook in particular is probably singlehandedly responsible for more divorces, family feuds and friendship breakups than we can possibly imagine. And why? Well, in the words of one of my anti-Facebook friend, “Facebook is evil”. After six years on social media, I’m feeling inclined to agree with him. Adults cannot just be adults and look at each other’s pictures in a stalker like fashion, keeping their opinions to themselves like we do in real life. People would not do or say half of what they do on social media. I think we were better off when we weren’t privy to the constant details of other people’s lives. It is because of the following annoying Facebook friends that our world is being ruined by social media.
The “Oversharer”: In actuality, I think we are all guilty of this one from time to time. But there is a fine line that the chronic Oversharer crosses almost daily. Hell, the Oversharer pretty much leaps over that line in a tutu shouting “look at me, look at me!” Perhaps she was not hugged enough as a child. Who knows. But the Oversharer feels the need to tell every one in the social media world everything from the fact that she is pooping on the toilet to the fact that her husband is cheating on her. I cringe whenever I read the Oversharer’s status and always wonder if she thinks it’s her own personal diary. Maybe she doesn’t understand the whole “public” concept? Or she has Tourette’s and says the first thing that pops into her head? Honestly, Oversharer, I don’t need to know about your yeast infection.
Suzy Freaking Sunshine: That song “Happy”. Yeah it’s about her. She’s always blessed, nothing ever goes wrong and she LOVES everyone. You throw up a little in your mouth when you read her posts. Beware, she’s one prescription refill away from a nervous breakdown.
The Vague Poster: This friend to social media WANTS to be the Oversharer but he or she doesn’t REALLY want people to know every detail of their life. Instead, they like their friends to play that little guessing game…”is she talking about me?” This type of Facebook friend is just waiting for her friends to ask “what’s wrong?” The best way to deal with this friend is to ignore them completely. Otherwise, you’re constantly wondering if she’s talking about you.
The Comment Crasher: This type of person is one of the most toxic on Facebook. You cannot ignore them because they comment on every freaking status and picture imaginable, managing to insult you and your other friends in the process. For example, “nice picture, who’s that fat guy next to you?” (It’s your boss) This ends up wrecking friendship after friendship because you have no choice but to unfriend this person for your sanity. Which makes seeing THEM in public SUPER DUPER weird.
The Manic Depressive: She’s like that Katy Perry song, she’s hot and she’s cold, she’s yes and she’s no…and you’ve got a front row seat for the whole damn train wreck. One day she’s pinning inspirational Pinterest sayings and the next day she’s lamenting about the cruelty of her life, threatening to swallow the last of her Valium. Sort of a cross between the Oversharer and the Vague Poster. Don’t be alarmed, she’s overreacting. Just roll your eyes and move on.
The Frightening Friend: People you don’t really know well but are very, very, sorry you accepted their friend request on Facebook after a few status updates. Perhaps you didn’t realize they like to torture puppies in their spare time. Or they give their kids sponge baths…when they’re home from college. Whatever it is, de friend them ASAP. Chances are, you won’t see they too often anyway. And if you do, maybe they’re not the type of friend you really wanted in the first place.
The Selfie Showcaser: Yeah…stop with the selfies. Nobody wants to see them. Really.
Peter Politics: He wants to make sure you know about his stance on every single issue known to man from abortion to gun control. He is mostly an angry person, ranting and raving about the “other side” whether it’s republican, democrat or the Green Party. He really needs to either run for office or shut the hell up. Nobody is going to read his status and say, “oh my God, you’re right!” Nobody accomplishes anything by just running their mouth all the time.
The Shouter: He or she uses caps in their status updates. ALL THE TIME. You don’t know if he or she is mad, happy or just doesn’t know how to take the caps lock button off their keyboard. Which brings us to our next friend.
The Technologically Challenged: They post pictures upside down, send private messages to everyone in their status update or hit send before they complete their message or proofread. This can lead to uncomfortable situations as the Technologically Challenged do not know how to fix their booboos.

Can’t we bring back the nice old prom pictures when we had braces and bad hair, crock pot recipes and updates about the never ending snow? Back when Facebook and Instagram and whatever else is out there, was fun? Those don’t cause people to punch each other in the mouth (unless you looked really bad in your prom picture). I go on Facebook to see good news, sarcastic comments, five million pictures of your kids and funny statuses. I don’t want to watch people fighting back and forth (with words nonetheless). There’s a time and place for everything and it’s generally NOT on the internet. If you have a problem with your cousin or your coworker and you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t put it in a status update for God’s sake.
Here’s an idea, maybe if we set up a shock collar for those who want to use social media. And there is some sort of moderator in charge of delivering the shocks. Like, “Oh, that’s a picture of your placenta? I don’t think so…” BUZZ! “Ooo, a bitchy status about your sister? Hmmm, I think you’re gonna regret that one…” BUZZ! “Another political rant? That’s gonna cost you…” BUZZ! Seriously…how do I get that job?

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