I’ve come to the conclusion that life just might be easier with little kids as opposed to big kids. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to tie their shoes or wipe their butts for them, but you have a lot more influence over them than you do when they’re older. Case in point, my weekend thus far as compared to my weekend 6 years ago.

Friday night 6 years ago:
Me: “Kids, we’re going out to dinner.”
Kids: “Where are we going?” (Clapping their hands)
Me: Jose Tejas.
Kids: “Yah! We love balloons and chips on the table! It’s great! We can be as loud as we want!”

This Friday night:
Me: “We’re going out to eat.”
Kids: “Where are we going?” (With whining voices)
Me: “Jose Tejas”
Kid #1: “I hate Jose Tejas! There’s nothing I like to eat!”
Kid #2: “I hate Jose Tejas! It’s too loud in there!”
Me: (with a sigh) “Where do you want to eat?”
Kid #1: “Sake Bomb.”
Kid #2: “I hate Sake Bomb!” (High pitched wailing) “Let’s go to McDonald’s!”
Kid #1: “Yeah! McDonald’s!
Me: “I don’t want to go to McDonald’s. I want to enjoy my food. Dear, where do you want to eat?”
Hubs: “Huh? What?”
Yeah, exactly

Friday night 6 years ago:
Me: “Let’s go see a movie!”
Kids: “Yah! There’s something animated playing in theaters that we will love and you will fall asleep during!”
Me: “Let’s go! And we will bring our own snack and you won’t complain because you don’t know any better!”

This Friday night:
Me: “Let’s go see a movie!”
Kid #1: “Great there’s something raunchy and R rated playing!”
Hubs: “Sounds great!”
Me: “Eh hem…totally inappropriate for the 9 year old.”
Kid #2: “There’s an animated movie about puppies and unicorns!”
Hubs & Kid #1: “No way! Here’s a scary movie we can all see!
Kid #2: (tears and sobbing) “I don’t want to go see a scary movie!”
Me: “How about we stay home and watch one of these other 700 choices on Demand?”
After an hour of scrolling through our choices, Hubs and Kid #1 end up downstairs watching Andrew Dice Clay while I am with Kid #2 listening to her butcher the lyrics in “Frozen”.

Can you see the difference yet? No? Well how about Saturday then…
Saturday morning 6 years ago:
Me: “We need to get winter clothes since you both have outgrown your clothes. Stay here with Daddy while I shop. What ever I pick out, you will wear without complaint.”
Kids: “Ok, Mommy! You’re the best!”
Mommy goes and sips a latte while leisurely shopping, picking out adorable outfits for both children while saving tons of money with coupons and sales.

This Saturday:
Me: “We need to go shopping for winter clothes. You’ve outgrown all of your clothes. We are going to department stores because they are having sales.”
Kids #1 & #2: “We don’t shop at department stores! We only like overpriced boutique stores!”
Kid #1: “Here’s a pair of Nikes I want.”
Me: “You’ve misunderstood. I said CLOTHES not shoes.”
Kid #1: “I can get clothes to go with the shoes.”
Kid #2: “Can we go to Claire’s? I need accessories.”
Me: (banging head against the wall) A little help here, Dear.
Hubs: “Huh? What?”

And don’t even think about spending quality time together:
Sunday afternoon 6 years ago:
Me: “Let’s go Pumpkin picking!”
Kids: “Yah! Can we go on a hayride, too?”
Me: “Of course! And apple picking, too!”
Kids: “Yah!”
Hubs: (whining voice) “But football is on….”

This Sunday afternoon:
Me: “we need to spend quality family time together. Let’s go pumpkin picking!”
Kids: “No, that’s boring.”
Hubs: “Football is on. They sell pumpkins at Shop Rite.”
Me: “Let’s go apple picking!”
Kids: “No, that’s stupid.”
Hubs: “Football is on. They sell apples at Shop Rite.”
Me: “Let’s go on a haunted hayride!”
Kids: “No, that’s lame.”
Hubs: “Did I mention football is on?”

Can you see my dilemma? Do I really want to go pumpkin picking? Hells no. I hate pumpkin picking. I’d much rather watch football. Do I want to make popcorn garland and other crafty nonsense for the tree at Christmas? Uh, you know how many times I’ve stabbed myself doing that? Do I want to watch animated family movies? I’d rather give myself a paper cut and pour lemon juice in it. But I’m doing it for them, damn it, so that they’re well adjusted and family oriented adults who will go on to torture their own children with the same activities even when they’d rather just watch football or go shopping alone or maybe even just lock themselves in a closet and eat a candy bar in peace. Now if you’ll excuse me…football is on.