I don’t like other people. By “other people”, I mean anyone I have not gone out of my way to befriend or talk to. No, I’m not antisocial or an introvert or anything weird like that. In fact, hand me a margarita and I will be the biggest extrovert you’ve ever met. I have a blast with my friends at parties or dinners and my family at holidays. I just don’t like unsolicited socialization.

Maybe this stems from the fact that I work in a school with kids all day. I smile at them and make small talk with them and listen to them go on and on about their brother’s new gaming system, the riddle they just learned, and their mom’s new boyfriend that moved in when dad moved out. Since I am the nurse, I think everyone feels the need to share with me and by share, I mean OVERSHARE.

I listen to coworkers tell me about yeast infections and anal fissures. I nod my head and smile and offer them sage advice while thinking TMI people, TMI.

I go home and listen to my daughter go on and on and on about Minecraft and ask a hundred and fifty million questions about the way the wind is blowing. I listen to my son go on and on and on about the latest Jordans that he wants to buy and Bob my head up and down enthusiastically when he shows me his shoe app on his phone. I listen to my husband warn me to stop using the credit card and stop hitting the tires of my vehicle on the curb. I can’t help it that the driveway is so damn small.

All day I listen to people. So when I have a moment, all I want is blessed silence. (Or music on my iPod). But I am wondering, why is it people don’t take a hint? If I don’t make eye contact, why do you still talk to me? If I don’t look like I am going to say say something, why do you assume I am just waiting for you to engage me?

I’m not shy! Believe me, I’m not. Why do these Chatty Cathies feel the incessant need to communicate with someone who clearly wants to be left alone? Not all of us have the desire to fill up every moment of our lives with meaningless banter! Especially those of us with small children. Silence is ok! In fact, it is welcome!

To the redheaded annoying lady at the gym; I don’t want to chat with you as I sprint at 7 miles an hour and can barely breathe. Don’t you see my iPod in my ears? Don’t you see me look away when you approach, hell bent on a conversation. Isn’t that a clue?

No, I don’t care about the news story about the new respiratory illness hitting New Jersey. It’s not a big deal. I know you know I’m a nurse. I have no opinion about it while I’m running. I don’t care. This is ME time. It’s doesn’t happen all that often so let me enjoy it.

To the people who want to make idle small talk while we wait on line at the rabies clinic with our dogs. Talk to someone else. I don’t want talk about my dog. Yeah, she’s eleven years old. Oh my god, yes she IS so adorable! And yes, I know you can’t believe she’s that old! I know she looks like a cuddly little puppy. She’s not.

No, I’m not going to ask about your Shitzu. I don’t care. I am just here for the free shot. We are not members of some exclusive dog owner club. The only reason I’m a dog person is because THEY don’t talk. I’m so sorry you last dog died. I’m sure it was heartbreaking. No, I don’t really want to see the tattoo on your butt..oh you’re going to show me anyway. Yikes, that’s awkward.

Oh, by the way, your Shitzu is taking a Shit-Do on the sidewalk.

To the other parents at football practice. I have a book and I am sitting in my chair far away from you and your drama because I want to read it. In peace. It’s not a prop. I’m really truly reading it. I do not want to be your friend. I have friends in my book and their drama is resolved in 350 pages. I repeat, I do not want to hear about your drama.

I do not wish to stare at the kids and bitch and moan about the coaches. They are the coaches. I am not a coach, nor do I want to be; people who don’t want to be coaches should shut their mouths. Which is what I’m doing. Maybe you should, too.

To the lady in the restaurant who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to allow her toddler to wander over to my table and put her ketchupy hand on my knee while boogers stream from her nose. I do not think your child is cute. I do not want to talk to her when I am having a nice relaxing kid free lunch with a friend (see, I told you I have friends). I do not want her staring up at me and making grabbing motions at my food while I try to eat. If I wanted that, I would bring my own children with me. Please call your child off. Make her sit at your table and behave.

To the old guy in the grocery store at 6:30 in the morning. What? Oh let me pause my iPod.Yes, I do have a whole lot of coupons. No, I’m not one of those people on that show. Yes, it takes me hours to cut them out. Oh, you like my organizer? I got it at Staples. Um, what….hold on…iPod again. Don’t you see that in my ears? Oh, I guess you don’t know what that contraption is. It’s my “please people leave me the hell alone” device. And it’s not working. Damn it, it’s not working.

Okay, so maybe I AM antisocial. But, you either like me this way or you don’t. And hey, if you don’t… you’re one less person I have to talk to.