The Better Me Project—Day 27

April is almost over and my Better Me Project is drawing to a close. During this month, I’ve considered how I project myself to the world, in both mannerisms and what I actually say. I have meditated and learned deep breathing techniques to get my anger under control. I’ve been accepting and understanding and have bent over backward to be aware of others. I have smiled at strangers and gone out of my comfort zone…a lot. And I have to tell you, it’s becoming a bit tiresome.

All this “being a better person” nonsense isn’t much fun after all. I’ve got to think before I speak, take deep breaths before getting annoyed, and constantly remind myself to be…well, better. Not to mention the daily blogging is really wearing me down. This has not been as fun as I expected.

What’d I’d really like to do is have some fun. Be lazy. Be selfish. Talk to the dog. Yeah, I said that. Talk to the dog. Basically just let my hair down. I don’t do that enough. I don’t just laugh and go where the mood takes me. I’m doggedly persistent about what needs to be done—laser focused on it. I think if I have learned anything this month, it is the fact that I have to go with the flow more often and stop obsessing about what needs to be done and what I’m not doing. How I’m failing as a mother, wife…person. I need to let go.

Let go?

What the heck is that? My brain doesn’t comprehend that concept. I am not, by nature, a person who will just “let go”. To “let go” I need to sit on the couch and binge watch a Netflix show. I should spend the entire day outside reading instead of pulling weeds. I’ve got to go out on a school night and not worry about how tired I’ll be in the morning, not worry about making my lunch and getting up to work out and all that.

It’s weird…that all goes against everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve this month. I have followed all these precepts about thinking before I speak and concentrating on how I am coming across to people and I’m not thinking about how I’m stressing myself out more than I was to begin with.

I’ve spent the last three and a half weeks or so focusing on being conscientious and now at this point I’m realizing that I’m TOO conscientious?

I don’t know how to let go no matter what? Even when the point is to be more relaxed? What the heck is THAT about?

Will I ever get it right?

Well, in a way, I did—I was able to get somethings right in the past few weeks. I enjoy meditating and I let go of my road rage fairly easily. I feel better smiling more often. Donating makes me feel great, too. Kissing Hubby good-night is sometimes the highlight of my day. The relief I feel staying away from social media (for the most part) is also well worth it.

I did get a lot out of this project—more than I realized initially.

Some of the other precepts haven’t been easy, but I’m going to still try. Not beating myself for failing? That’s gonna be one of those long term things. Cutting down on the gossip has been difficult, but I know it’s best in the long run. Trying not to roll my eyes? Yeah, that’s a work in progress for sure. Not complaining? I may end up biting my tongue off from my attempts to curtail my complaints.

When I first started this project, I had nagging doubts about it.

I wasn’t sure how successful it would be. After all, I was asking myself to change in many ways, shed a lot of habits and baggage that I’ve carried around with me for years. I wasn’t sure I could do that or I really wanted to do that. Can a person really change? Or are we doomed to be the same people forever? (Which isn’t a bad thing if you’re someone fabulous.)

Or maybe, we can’t change, but we can be better.

And truthfully, that’s what this whole project was about. Do I need a whole month to be a better person? Heck yeah—I need a lot more than that. But I am done with this project for this month. It has drained me mentally and emotionally in ways I never expected.

Today will be the last “Better Me Project” post.

I realized that I can’t be hyper-focused on a precept every day. It’s too overwhelming and a constant reminder that I’m supposed to be actively doing something, which is the mindset I wanted to get away from to begin with. Did I fail? Not really. There’s no failing in trying your best, even if you don’t accomplish the goal the way you want to.

REMEMBER THIS!

All I can do is remind myself of the goals that I have set for myself and try to accomplish them the best way I can. Smile. Take deep breaths. Live in the present. Choose kind. I will have good days and bad days. Every day I can try a little more—I can do better than I did the day before. When I fail, I will pick myself up and promise to do try harder next time. I will let go, relax, and be okay with the person I am today.