Dear Oven Manufacturer

Dear LG, Whirlpool, GE, Samsung, Frigidaire, and anyone else who makes quality ovens and might listen to me;

I’m a lousy cook. At least, that’s what my family tells me. I’m pretty sure they’re not too far off base on this one because I have burnt numerous dinners (I’ve even set oven mitts on fire) and under cooked many more. I burn rice every single time I make it. I can take the simplest meal, like meatloaf, and completely ruin it. I once caused a baked potato to explode. I blame my oven…mostly. Some days it’s 50 degrees hotter than it’s supposed to be and other days it’s 100 degrees cooler than it should be. It seems to have two settings—nuke and chill. It makes an already struggling chef like myself crazy.

I used to be a decent baker, but now my 15 year old oven has become so unreliable even my once world renowned cupcakes fall flat. (Okay, maybe they’re not world renowned, but they were always something of a hit when I would make them for my husband and his co-workers.) It’s become a running joke with my family and friends—how will Heather screw up dinner tonight? Because despite my failings, I keep trying. And trying. And trying some more. I’ve tried and failed so much that I’ve started a blog about my cooking mishaps (and occasional triumphs) called The Bad Mommy Cooks. Currently, I get over 1000 views a month—people curious to see if I will fail and how comedic it will be. I’m sure they enjoy the witty banter between me and the family, but I think that lately, they’re laughing at me, not with me.

Well, I’m not sure I want to be the butt of the joke anymore. I want to succeed! I want to cook dinners that will have my family begging for seconds (rather than secretly feeding the dog under the table). The easiest way to do that would be to get a new oven, right? WRONG! You see, I haven’t shared one important detail with you, dear oven manufacturer. My husband cooks, too. And he does it well. However, 99.9% of his recipes seem to circumvent use of the oven. He grills and uses the cook top and somehow manages miraculous meals. He does not agree that we need a new oven. I’m suspicious of his motives. Is he just a cheapskate, or is he afraid I will overtake him as the family’s best cook if we get a new oven? Is he trembling in his boots that it will be revealed that I am not the failure, my oven is?

Since he holds those purse strings tight (Do you know of Dickens’ Scrooge? My hubby makes him look like a philanthropist), my only hope is you, dear oven manufacturer. I need YOU to make my oven dreams come true and help me prove to my blog followers that I CAN COOK! It’s not skills I lack..it’s simply the right tools! If I can make a decent dinner with YOUR oven, ANYONE can! Publicity for you, a chance at redemption for me—a WIN WIN situation for us both. So what do you say, dear oven manufacturer? Can you throw a girl a lifeline and send me a brand new oven to blog about? A story of triumph, overcoming the odds stacked against me—and I’ll owe it all to you, dear oven manufacturer. I’ll make you prouder than the mom of the class valedictorian, I promise.

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